295. Not Comforming to Society and Dealing with Haters with Sonali Chandra

In this conversation, Sonali Chandra shares how embracing her truth as the lead of Virgin taught her to live life on her own timeline, set strong boundaries, and find confidence despite societal pressure and criticism.

Sonali Chandra is a speaker, performing artist, multi talented TV personality and lead lady in the documentary show called “Virgin” available on Hulu Discovery Plus and TCL.

5 Key Takeaways:

• Own your truth unapologetically. Real confidence comes from accepting who you are and refusing to conform to societal expectations or timelines.
• Being “different” can be your greatest strength. Sonali turned what made her stand out, her personal story, into a platform to inspire and educate others.
• Boundaries protect your peace. Cutting ties with unsupportive people and refusing to engage with critics is sometimes necessary for personal growth.
• Mental health matters. Therapy, mindfulness, and staying present helped her navigate anxiety, criticism, and the pressures of public visibility.
• Success starts with self-belief. Focusing on what you can control, showing up authentically, and letting go of others’ opinions creates opportunities and confidence over time.

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Hello, hello, beautiful souls. Welcome back to another episode on the Lucy Liu Show. And I am really excited today because I have my friend Sonali Chandra here today.

Sonali is a speaker, performing artist, multi-talented TV personality, and lead lady in the documentary show called Virgin, available on Hulu, Discovery+, and TCL, and so many other TV shows. I love Sonali’s story, and welcome to the show.

Thank you, Lucy. Thank you for having me. I’m so thrilled to be here.

Let’s begin with your, maybe a short version of your story for those listeners that may not have met you yet.

Sure. Hi, everyone. My name is Sonali Chandra.

It means golden moon in Sanskrit. Sanskrit is the dead language of South Asia, just like how Latin is the dead language of the Western world. I was born and raised in America.

My parents are from India, so that makes me Indian American. And let me tell you, that’s a blessing and a curse because both personally and professionally in my journey through life, I have found that I had to pick from both worlds when it comes to like navigating life. But yeah, so I grew up dancing.

Thanks to my parents, Indian classical, Bollywood. I wanted to study theater in college. I had to get a real job though.

So I studied, I chose finance because I wanted to make money. Started my career off on Wall Street in a mystery called New York City. But you know something, Lucy?

I was miserable. I was miserable in Manhattan. It was not my passion at all.

I had a quarter-life crisis and after I got my corporate bonus, I left New York City for Los Angeles. It has been eight and a half years. I went from finance to film in the interest of happiness.

I think everybody should pursue their dreams. We only have one life to live. And so yeah, it’s been eight and a half years.

Persistence does pay off and always pursue your passions. Beautifully said. And you didn’t mention the virgin part.

So yeah, I came here for acting, like a lot of people do, right? But I opened my mind to other forms of entertainment, Lucy. So think of entertainment like a house.

Like in any home or house, there’s different ways to enter it, right? Through the front, the back, the garage, the side. So same thing when it comes to entertainment.

There’s dancing, modeling, acting, hosting, stand-up comedy, singing, magician, unscripted reality TV. So I opened my mind to other forms of entertainment. I’ve been booked for a little bit of each kind of entertainment over the years, but I found that my expertise and my strength lies in unscripted reality TV.

I realized, you know, entertainment, it’s a very competitive field. Cutthroat competition, you gotta stand out. And what I realized about myself is that my virginity, my V-card, if you will, is what makes me stand out compared to my fellow colleagues, friends, millennials, and whatnot.

And so, yeah, I took a risk. No risk, no reward. I chose to be vulnerable with my most authentic, intimate, personal truth.

And that has seemed to be my ticket to fame. And it’s not just about fame, Lucy. It’s about inspiring and informing and educating and entertaining audiences.

That’s what my life purpose is about.

I love your story. At what point did you realize that your path might look different from other people? And how did you make peace with that, not to conform with the rest of the world?

Deciding to be different and not choosing to conform with society’s expectations or parental pressure, it comes with time and emotional maturity. It really does, Lucy. I had a quarter-life crisis.

That’s when I came to LA. And I would say it was in my early 30s when I just had an epiphany. I just didn’t care what people thought of me.

I was just gonna do what I wanted to do. But having that detachment and that emotional strength to just let go of what people think of you, especially your parents, that’s key to just pursuing your dreams and making sure that it’s good. Just do it, like the Nike commercial.

I love it. Just do it.

But was there ever a season where you questioned your choice because you felt behind compared to others? Because that was my story. I, at a younger age, I always felt behind.

I will admit it was around that same time, in my late 20s, early 30s. I saw a lot of my fellow millennials getting married, having kids, and it did hit me. Like, why not me?

What’s wrong with me? But thanks to therapy, and I think everybody should go to therapy, mental health is just as important as physical health. The mind-body connection is real.

I’ve learned that that’s their path and good for them. But for me, I was born to stand out. I’ve realized my calling, Lucy, is to do the things other people are scared to do and speak about the stuff that society is scared of.

So my therapist helped me gain that emotional strength to just not care and just shrug it off. I’ve realized that I’m 39 years young now, but forever 21 mentally speaking. I’ve realized by not getting married so early on in life, I’ve also avoided my first divorce.

And again, for me, in my life journey, I’ve realized that Botox is more important to me than babies. And my car is like my kid and sometimes I want to dump my car. So that tells you in a nutshell where my priorities are.

And there’s nothing wrong with that. I think there’s a lot of women out there who have chosen not to have kids by a certain age and whatnot and teach their own. Just own it.

Yes, yes. I love it. So this is not, I mean, your story might not be, if you’re listening, might not be something similar to Sonali, like still having her V-card at almost 40.

And I love that. And I want more women to hear, young girls to hear that it’s okay to be different than what society seems, right? Because you have your own timeline.

Exactly. Whatever your truth is, whatever your journey is, just own it. Don’t be ashamed.

Don’t think that you have to conform to societal expectations or parental pressure. It’s your life. Just do what you, what feels right to you.

Yeah, but oftentimes, people project their own beliefs onto you.

So how do you hold boundary when that happens? I’ve learned the hard way in terms of how to manage that, Lucy. So thanks to therapy, I’ve learned not to add fire to fire and not to reply to riffraffs.

So I’ve had a number of haters in the course of my life, especially here in LA, who have turned out to be very critical, judgmental, non-supporters, if you will. And I just cut ties with them. I did.

Looking back, I wish I knew a certain four-letter word that starts with F and ends with K. But again, that comes with emotional growth and maturity. At this point in my life and my career, at 39 years young, 40 years young, as you mentioned, sort of, you know, in a couple months.

At this point, I’ll just say, use that four-letter F word towards them. Like, Lucy, am I telling people who have gotten married, women, non-mo, you know, whatever, like, why did you get married? Why did you have kids?

You know, you should get divorced. You should dump your kids. I’m not telling people that.

So then why? I’ve learned, you know, why do people think that they can tell me what their two cents about what I’m choosing to do? Lucy, haters stands for having anger towards everyone reaching success.

And critics are just lousy, lazy losers who have nothing better to do other than to put other people down in an effort to make themselves feel better. That’s really the hard part.

That is so true. Like, we don’t convince other people to get a divorce. We don’t convince other people to dump their kids, right?

Exactly! Teach their own. Live and let live.

But of course, there’s this roller coaster I’m sure that you go through because we are human. So we have this roller coaster, right? What inner work help you stay firm though when you have to really, when people start convincing you that your choice is wrong?

Lucy, I have learned that life is a roller coaster as is the entertainment world. I’ve learned to enjoy the journey and just rejoice in both the valleys and the peaks. Thankfully, you know, again, it comes with time and emotional maturity.

Like, I’ve developed the strength to just ward off haters and critics. Like, I know myself and that’s key. It really is, especially working in entertainment where I still encounter time’s up, Me Too type situations.

And thankfully, my most intimate truth is out there. So when creepy men try to take advantage of me, I’m like, do you know what Google is? Do you know what Hulu is?

Check out virgins. And then I walk away. And my most intimate truth is public information.

So if a man, if you will, wants to try to take advantage of me or if anybody’s trying to hate on me, I’ll be like, look, do it or do that. I’m on national television. What have you done?

Yeah, you know, talking about national television, I met you, you know, a year ago when we walked into the same room. You just really extruded this beauty and confidence and I loved you right away and your story and I went on YouTube and I watched your show and you know what, all the comments below, a lot of them were actually negative. They were doubting you.

They were assuming you were lying. Like I feel like that’s how society is when they see a woman on TV and they all of a sudden they have all these doubts about her and I’m like, wow, you know, that was not on my mind when I saw you. I’m like, this girl is so beautiful.

Her story is so beautiful and I need my daughter to learn that there’s another option out there in this world. How did it feel when people doubted you and assumed you were a liar?

You are absolutely right. I’ve had direct hate mail, people telling me, oh, I think you’re a liar. You’re so beautiful.

How can it be that you’re still a virgin? Lucy, men have tried, but it’s not like I’m just going to give it up just like that. It takes, again, it takes emotional willpower, discipline, knowing who I am to just stay strong.

When I see the hateful comments, both in my direct inbox, not just on social media, but on my website, but then also on public, you know, sites like YouTube, I find amusement, quite frankly. You gotta understand, Lucy, like these people, I’ve never met them. And the fact that they’re putting in their time and effort to write even hateful comments, there’s a saying, Lucy, any press is good press.

So, you know, I take the good and the bad when it comes to being a public figure, a humble public figure, no nepotism happening here, Lucy. My parents are immigrants. I believe yours are, too.

You know, yours are from China, right? Mine are from India. China and India are neighbors.

But yeah, I actually take amusement and I’m actually grateful for all the both positive and the negative comments. I’ve never met these people. And another thing I want to point out, Lucy, these people who write nasty, hateful comments, they have no face to their name.

You know, they’re cowards at the end of the day. If you’re really going to be a brave critic, show me your face. What do you do?

You know, like the fact that they’re contributing their time and effort to write hateful comments tells you something about them.

Oh, absolutely. But did you experience anxiety around sharing something so personal on national TV?

I did in the beginning. So my debut on the national international platform coming out as the Millennial Virgin was at age 33. It was on The Dr. Phil Show. That was the first time I was on national television. That was the first time I publicly shared my most intimate truth. I was a bit starstruck.

The Dr. Phil, like…

Wow, yes.

I first discovered him on Oprah 20 years prior, you know, because when I used to watch Oprah at four o’clock on Channel 7 back in New Jersey. Back then, did I have any thought of entertainment or Los Angeles? No.

So I was a bit nervous, but I realized that this was a gift, you know, that the universe had brought to my attention and to be on national television. And you gotta understand, Lucy, it was during COVID. So it was just me and him on stage.

His wife was in the audience and I had mostly a virtual audience. I just rode with the flow, you know, like it just went with the flow and I just, I rejoiced in it. Again, no nepotism.

And I, and even the adrenaline, Lucy, I turned it into excitement and just confidence, really. That’s, when you’re just thrown in the limelight, you just deal with it. You know, you just make things happen.

It’s just, everything just works out. I found that I enjoy being in the limelight and being a source of inspiration to not just women, but also men out there of any culture, country, race, or religion.

Yeah. What coping tools along the way or practices do you think have helped you the most to manage pressure, manage anxiety?

So I have a finance degree, but a dual minor in psychology and leadership. And I’ve also been in therapy myself for about a decade. Everybody should enroll in mental health therapy.

I’ve learned just taking deep breaths, just closing my eyes and just, closing my eyes and just taking deep breaths through my nose helps. You gotta be present. You gotta be, just calm down.

There’s a, there’s a saying, Lucy, your masterpiece will happen when you master peace. It’s true.

It is so true.

So yeah, just focus on the now. Take one day at a time. Focus on the present.

The present is a gift, Lucy. Depression is being stuck in the past. Stress and anxiety is about, pertains to, and is about worrying about the future.

You can’t control what happens in the future. What you can control is your reaction to whatever happened. But that’s why, you know, famous practitioners like Deepak Chopra, Oprah, Tony Robbins, they all talk about meditation, just focusing on the present and being in the now.

That’s what helps me navigate the roller coaster of life and to this day, entertainment.

I love it so much. That’s my all-time favorite quote. Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is a mystery. Yes! Today is a gift, which is why we call it the present.

Absolutely, yes! Bingo!

Did you consider yourself confident before filming or did confidence grow through the experience of your past seven years on TV?

Work begets work. Press begets press. You gotta enjoy the journey.

Doing the craft, whether it’s being in school for training or auditioning, that is success. When I audition, I just give it my best and I forgot about it. I let the chips fall where they may.

And I found that mindset has enabled me to achieve the success that I have been able to achieve in the past seven, eight years here in LA. I don’t worry about, again, what people think. I just give it my best.

I just focus on, again, what I can control and just doing it. Again, the Nike commercial, just do it. Enjoy the journey, learn the craft, do your best in the audition and just give it your best.

And that’s the best you can do in life, right? You know, whether it’s personal or professional. You bring, you know, when it comes to dating, if you will, whatever advice I can give you, I just, this is who I am.

Take it or leave it, guys. You know, if not next, move on. You know, like same thing with your career.

When I found that you don’t really care, that’s when things work out in your favor.

Beautifully said. What else was the most unexpected lesson you learned along the way?

You know, Lucy, being the child of immigrants, the daughter of immigrants, being born and raised in America, I learned growing up that it’s very important to respect your elders. And I found as I’ve gotten older, I have had to unlearn that. I’ve realized that respect should be mutual.

So it’s not that I just respect my elders. My elders also have to respect me. I’ve learned that the hard way.

And I’ve learned that lesson, especially from haters, because I’ve had both, unfortunately, women, both South Asian and not, who were older than me, hating on me. And I’m like, you are, you are married. You are, you do have kids.

You have money and a financial stability. Why are you hating on me? And like, I realized like I was doing what they wish they had done when they were my age.

And that’s why they were hating on me. But that’s not my problem. You know, that they were living in regret.

And so to make themselves feel better, they were hating on me and disrespecting me. And I had to shut them down. And I learned the hard way that respect goes both ways.

It’s not just me respecting my elders, whether it’s my parents or my aunts, my uncles, someone who’s like an older sister to me. It goes both ways. We’re all adults.

And Lucy, what there’s a saying, I’m going to paraphrase it, but like in adulthood at some point, we all just are equal. We hit a plateau. And so that’s a really hard lesson I’ve had to unlearn.

And it’s just, it’s life, right? Life is a journey.

I love that you mentioned unlearning because yes, it’s important to to be learning, but it’s even more profound when we have epiphanies after unlearning certain things.

Oh, yes.

Our upbringings from childhood, like you mentioned because of the immigrant background, but you know, it doesn’t really matter where our cultural background comes from. It doesn’t matter if you were born in America or not. We as humans collectively go through many of these ups and downs in life and it’s perfectly normal and we’re all learning together and collectively rising.

Change is difficult, but it’s not impossible. Change is only constant, Lucy. It really is.

I love it.

If someone listening feels behind and a little short on confidence in life, what would you tell them now?

When I was in my 20s back in New York, I used to work in the finance field. I met with the then CEO of MasterCard, Mr. Ajay Banga. He is Indian just like myself.

I met him through the Indian community of New York City. I was 25 having drinks with him at the core club in Midtown Manhattan, 5 o’clock on a weeknight. He gave me some very profound life advice, Lucy.

He said, no one knows how much is in your bank account except you. All that matters is how you present yourself and how you treat other people. It’s so true and I hold on to that piece of wisdom to this day.

I really do. What a beautiful story, Sonali.

Thank you so much for being with me today. I love your presence, your beauty. Is there a quote or mantra you go by in life?

I’m an Aquarian, as is Oprah, and Oprah said it best, owning your truth is the most powerful thing you can ever do. And that’s my life motto. I am famous for my most intimate truth, which is being the millennial virgin and I’m damn proud.

So yeah, Oprah, thank you. You’re a fellow Aquarian just like myself. I look up to you so much.

You know, she’s a financially independent woman. No nepotism for her either, right? And she look at her now, you know?

Yes. So go on YouTube, search for Sonali, search for the show Virgin and you’ll hear her story and it’s streaming on a bunch of networks. Thank you.

Streaming on Hulu, HBO Max, TLC and Discovery+. Check it out. Virgins.

Everybody has that quality until some point in life.